Goodbye, twenty-three. I loved you, b*tch!: A love letter to my favorite age

I hated being 19. I was too grief-stricken to remember 20 and 21. I started a new life at 22, so that came with its own trials and tribulations. But 23. That bitch has been unforgettable. 

A month leading to 23, I had so many eye-opening revelations about life as I knew it. I began questioning and realizing and questioning and crying and screaming and throwing up. 

When did I start to become so conscious? I started to second guess myself more than usual, threw away control and critical thinking, and was so desperate for human connection that I let an immature, 20-something-year-old Cancer (literally and figuratively) of a man ruin my last 6 weeks of 2022. His life felt like hell and I let him drag me down there with him. I was deeply unhappy in my “love life”, and professional life, and fell off my healthy girl shit….I was down bad. I turned 23 and everything went to shit. 

When that man-child released me from his shackles, it awoke a new side of myself. One who was done accepting bullshit. One who radically and almost automatically began giving myself so much grace and love for the things I was experiencing. On New Year’s Eve, I practiced all of my yearly traditions and even incorporated some new ones. I felt for quite some time that 2023 and age 23 were going to be BIG for me. So fucking big that I knew it since the age of 13. 

Even though I turned 23 in September of 2022, I didn’t become 23 until January 1st. On that day, everything just clicked for me. 

I welcomed the new year with a morning class at Solidcore. I got rid of trash which included: remnants of him, remnants of my sad girl rot in my house for 2 weeks, and the big girl job I hated. The first 3 months of 2023 felt like a fever dream. I was at my peak delusional girl shit, unemployed, and doing whatever I want. Money flowed to me almost effortlessly as I focused more on creating content for The Ninth Semester, experimented with new routines, and procrastinated from applying for jobs because I just knew that the right role for me was going to come and find me (which did, btw).

I’ve been chanting “I don’t chase, I attract. What belongs to me will simply find me” since 2019. It’s while writing this post that I put 2 and 2 together and realized how powerful manifestation is. I talk about it often, I believe in it, and I see it in my life. No one can convince me that manifestation isn’t real.

I knew that the things and people meant to be in my life were going to come at the right time. I gave up painting detailed, intricate plans of my life years ago. I never imagined being where I am today and I have no idea where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing 5 years from now or 6 months from now.

There’s been a noticeable wash of calmness over me these last few weeks. My mind is at ease, I’m giving myself more grace, and feeling grateful to be seeing another year of life. 24 sounds like a serious age. A woman who is 24 sounds like she’s still young but actually old enough to know better.

She’s someone who actually knows how to do her taxes but learned from a guy whom she only dated for the plot (and out of boredom during my healing journey). 

She’s someone who has a bunch of random ass hobbies, so she never runs out of things to do.

She steps out of her comfort zone to try new hairstyles, workout classes, and foods. 

She’s discovering new ways of expressing herself through her art, her clothes, and speaking her mind. 

A 24-year-old woman is someone who has experienced some real-life ADULT shit but also has her whole life ahead of her that she doesn’t know how amazing life is going to get for her. 

Last year, I had an existential crisis about getting older but today, I’m embracing it. I’m intrigued by it. I also know that I’m not alone on this journey. 

When I was younger I thought life would peak for me at 23 with marriage and children.  Something about that age just seemed so beautiful and exciting and grown. I don’t know why I did but I’m so glad I was completely wrong. I’m in my selfish years right now. My 20s are for me. They’re for smoking Mary Jane and playing The Sims 4. They’re for walking around in my beautiful city apartment with just a comfy t-shirt and my favorite pair of underwear. They’re for being easily influenced to make a purchase off the strength of 1 TikTok and a perky, persuasive influencer. 

I 50% loved being 23 and 50% hated being 23 but 100% love the transformation, 23 has been. This year has been a lot of firsts for me:

First time quitting a full-time job,

First time going to a cooking class (a recap on how I spent my birthday coming soon!),

First time missing a flight (sorry to everyone I’ve ever judged for doing this, I now understand how it could happen lol),

First time working as a full-time influencer and making a decent living to where I could comfortably be unemployed for a few months as I transitioned to a new career path,

and the year I started writing again and creating content for me.

I love how I feel like I’m blossoming whenever Fall/my birthday comes around. Summertime (the 3 final Months leading up to my birthday) always feels like the hardest and it makes sense because it’s my final few months out of that age. I’ve lived so many lives this past year, I can’t help but be in awe at the woman I’m becoming.

At 13, I didn’t fully grasp what it meant to be 23. I spent years dreaming of this age but when I got older, I realized it was the complete opposite of everything I thought it would be but in the best way possible. I couldn’t imagine being a wife and mother of 2 at 23. No offense to anyone who’s living that life right now, but that sounds like torture to me. I don’t want to meet the love of my life and settle down at 23, 24, dare I say 25? I have so much of the world that I need to explore. So many more people to meet, experiences to have, more time enjoying my singleness, and the immense freedom that comes with that. I’m in a season where I’m learning more about myself and falling more in love with Jade.

I’m entering 24 with so much love and gratitude for myself, my future, and my amazing friendships & relationships. I’ve prayed for this and I’m so happy to be able to live through it. At the time of writing this, I’m in my childhood bed in Brooklyn. It’s less than 30 mins until my birthday but I know my complete rotation around the sun won’t be until 6:06am. I spent the evening reminiscing by looking through old photo albums, and school notebooks. I even stumbled across old birthday cards that I intentionally saved for moments like these.

I’m ready to accept and embrace all that year 24 has to offer. The love, the laughter, the community, the new experiences, crushes, new favorite foods I discover, and the baconeggandcheese I plan on having in the morning that I’ve daydreamed about since the last time I was in New York.

Happy birthday, Jade. I love you forever and always.