To date me, successfully, you gotta come out the gate tryna lighten the load. Or i honestly dont see or hear you.
— lady . (@LadyLondon) October 29, 2023
I really try my best to not bombard my blog with “sad” girl posts but fuck that – EYE am the one who paid the hefty price for this domain and top-tier web hosting. This is my little corner of the world where I can bitch about my life and you’re the lovely reader joining me along on the ride.
I love you, btw.
Plus, in the movies when girls had blogs, they weren’t something that was super curated and perfect. It was peak Myspace vibes and today, lovejadecarson.com is moonlighting as myspace.com.
*[Fun Fact: Most of my blog posts are chunks of my thoughts spread out across different mediums and timelines – Tweets, finsta rants, conversations with friends, conversations with myself…they all come together in the end but have been weeks in the making…so disclaimer as you read as I jump timelines leading to present day ]
It’s Halloweekend, I’m currently shedding my uterine lining because my uterus is disappointed that I didn’t bless her with a baby for another month. Well bitch, how can I do that when I’m single and unwed?
I know I was on here a few weeks ago talking about I don’t care about having a man but y’all, maybe it’s the colder weather and that the nights are coming earlier but I want a bookie. It’s so hilarious how I never want a man during the daylight hours, only at night after the moon goes down like a little werewolf. I think it’s because I have more distractions during the day.
My Sundays are spent craving Chick-fil-A and a boyfriend – 2 things I can’t have. It’s crazy because I only ever crave them the most on that day and some nights.
I want a boyfriend and it’s a feeling that I am aware of often. I hate it. I get embarrassed and wonder why I want companionship so much but the truth is, self-care and self-love can never replace the human need for companionship and love. It’s literally embedded into our genetics.
I’m in a season right now in my life where I am so tired of having to do life alone. Ever since I turned 24, it’s like I just cannot get the idea of having a boyfriend out of my head.
On the one hand, it scares me but on the other, I think about having a new best friend and life partner to go through this crazy life of mine. I’ve been avoidant of dating by not being on the dating apps but it’s not like I was getting dates when I was on those apps.
I go out and men don’t approach me and if they do, they’re really fucking ugly and it’s very insulting. I just don’t understand why dating is so hard when I’m talented, beautiful, funny, courageous, and a bunch of other adjectives that I’ve embraced over the years. Growing up, society teaches you that when you’re these things love will come but I am and it’s nowhere to be found. Perhaps it’s more than that. I don’t know but I’m tired of all the quotes and positive affirmations I have to say to myself to remind myself that love is coming.
I’m ready to check out and say fuck it. Not in an “I am convinced that love is never coming” kinda way but more so a “fuck niggas, get money” kinda way. But, I’m such a lover girl. I want love to be here now.
But am I ready for it?
My non-existent love life and my deep craving to be hugged and smooched is a recurring topic in my therapy sessions. At our last one, my therapist recommended I looked into professional cuddling services due to my skin hunger – which I immediately responded HELL FUCKING NO in my head – or, getting a massage. I like the idea of a massage and best believe I’m going to get one but I can’t help but think that even after that, I’m still going home to an empty apartment and no one to tell me how much they’re in love and care about me. I can say this with full confidence that I know that I am not unattractive and I’m a total fucking catch but that has not yet attracted someone into my life who is utterly enamored with ME as a person and makes me feel seen, loved, heard, and relentlessly desired.
@lexieherod especially during holiday season 😭💔 #fyp #foryou #relatable #girls #viral ♬ a mirrorball girl – vivi mi ranshoooo
This year when I was actually dating and entertaining men, there was always a point in our relationship where I realized he was just like the rest. I began to notice patterns in my dating choices, similarities between past and current lovers, and the gut-wrenching realizations where he would say or do something and I knew right then and there that my future husband would never do what they just did.
Or most recently, whenever I would realize that they just wanted to have sex with me and couldn’t care less about whether or not I was a human with feelings, emotions, and extremely interesting lore.
I don’t understand why someone wouldn’t fall in love with me when they met me. There’s been men in my life who have always ended up being jealous of who I was and what I do but to me, I’m just Jade. I don’t see why they’d become intimidated by me but I always made it clear that I would never dim my light for anyone. If I’m too much for you, go choke – sorry not sorry.
I realize this itch for a relationship is because my human need for love & connection isn’t being met. My therapist has reassured me that I am not losing my mind and I am justified in my feelings.
I often wonder how I would be in the right, God-given relationship. The peace of mind I would experience. The new parts of myself that I would be able to meet and explore as I navigate life with someone who intentionally chooses me every day in the same way I would do for them. Would it help heal the broken heart I’ve had for years? Would it allow me to further blossom and bloom? I can’t help but wonder. It keeps me up at night wondering what Jade-in-a-serious-relationship-in-her-20s would be like. What words of wisdom would she have for me? Any warnings?
One of the most important things I need from a future partner is trust to allow them to lead. I’m hyper-independent in every area of my life and it’s because I find it hard asking people for help or relying on them to get the job done the right way. I try to and am quickly reminded of why I do everything myself. It’s not because I am stubborn but because there’s been a pattern of people disappointing me. I once heard D.W. on Arthur say “If you want something done right, do it yourself” and it radicalized me. I’ve thought about that quote almost every single day since I first heard it in middle school.
I want to be with someone who proves to me that I can release control and can turn off my brain once in a while. I’m tired of always having to be in fight or flight mode. Always have to be the planner, the problem solver. It’s like what the fuck, why can’t other people step up to the plate like I do every single time?
I want to ride in the passenger seat for once.
when someone is intentional about being in community with you their actions will affirm that. you both take steps to show up for each other while progressively leaning in more and more. there’s respect, compassion, mutual care, communication, and understanding.
— Wavy🍊 (@omfgWAVY) May 28, 2023
Love always manages to be a recurring topic in my life. I feel satiated in other areas of my life such as my career, my developing fitness journey, and my beautiful friendships but love and being loved is an insecurity of mine. My fear of meeting the right person isn’t as strong as my faith in it happening for me but there’s times when it’s so strong, I feel hopeless. I feel like I’m losing my mind when I get overwhelmed by my singleness, loneliness, and boredom of the two. Am I worthy of romantic love? Am I too picky? Will I just become a statistic of highly educated and accomplished Black women who are forced into singleness because the options out here are slim pickings?
It’s easier for me to “give up” on the idea of love than to actively try and find it. I watch the sprinkle sprinkle lady and all of the other relationship gurus on the internet but to be honest, I don’t want to have to be such a detective and hypervigilant when dating. Dating shouldn’t ignite my fight or flight. I want the room to land safely and softly, so I can tap into my feminine side and be in my soft girl era.
The dating apps obliterate my self-esteem, men don’t approach me in real life because they lack confidence and I’m not “stereotypically attractive”. I’m plus size and dark skin, which isn’t bad at all but I can’t help but feel completely and utterly undesirable when I go out because it’s a constant reminder of how much I stand out. I used to hide my body a lot, wearing hoodies in the Summer and doing whatever I could to hide my G cups and chubbiness.
I remember going out to U St in DC on our last day of senior year and was out with my LS and some guys were talking to us. I was wearing a low-cut top that I really liked and one of them kept yelling at me to put them away because they were so big and out there. I felt so angry, embarrassed, and confused. Why would he feel so comfortable telling me what to do what my body?
I’m weary of staying clear away from people who make me feel like my presence is disgusting and unwanted. I know what it’s like to be completely ignored by men who were repulsed by me being a bigger girl. It’s an icky feeling because they would treat me like I’m invisible and push past me to talk to whatever friend I’m with at the time or send their poor, equally ugly friend, to come and talk to me as they made them move on my homegirl.
One of the worst clubbing experiences I ever had was when I was out with some girls and some guys were trying to get them to join them in their section but it felt like an invitation for 2, excluding me. I remember I felt so horrible and disgusted with them, myself, and the place we were at. I was drunk and crying in the club to another friend about it. Ever since then, I vowed to not go clubbing until I no longer worried or thought about the male gaze when in these environments. It’s moments like these where I can look back and be proud that I’ve grown a thicker skin but get sad that I had to in the first place.
I’ve been unconsciously yet consciously decentering men from my life for most of the new year. That night and many after made me start to hate men. I never wanted to get to that place but I kept meeting more horrible men, platonic and romantic, who continued to show me that many men out there do not care for Black women. When I started to see that, it made me question why their presence was a worry for me when they didn’t care about what happened to me or other Black women. It’s that disappointment for those men that made me want to steer clear of that species as a whole.
Decentering men from my life has looked like exploring a bunch of hobbies (current fav: painting), pretending they don’t exist when I’m out with my girls, limiting my unnecessary contact with them, and pouring into me. this is why dating has become harder for me. I’ve had some guys try to talk to me but I just can’t take them seriously nor am I willing to make space for them in my life right now. A lot of times they show me a red flag earlier than they could realize and it helps the detachment process but I hate that I have to do that.
Today’s Sunday and I’m craving my unattainables. I’m at the point where I don’t have it in me anymore to want something so intensely. It’s taking a toll on me and a waste of space in my mind. I’m just going to say my affirmations and keep on pushing. I don’t want to but I have to because the one person I can rely on to cheer me up, get me out of this little rot, and make me smile is: me. It’s always been me. No one is coming to save me and at 24, I am starting to really understand that.
When I start to feel hopeless about love and romance, here are some things that heal me:
Agayu’s Revelation by Summer Walker
Jane The Virgin
Entergalactic on Netflix
Seven Days in June by Tia Williams
Creating beautiful love stories in the Sims
A girl’s night out doing literally anything
There have been times when I joked about settling and dating the next man to look at me. Throwing in the towel in my early 20s just to say I have a person. But that’s depressing as fuck. I feel like that’ll break me more than the boredom and loneliness of being single. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where I eventually hated being with the person and I don’t want to do that again.
I refuse to settle. I’ve seen so many examples of people getting exactly what they want in their lives. I have examples from my own life that are more than enough reasons to not settle in any area of my life. So now, it’s a waiting game but how much longer do I have to wait? I’m constantly torn between enjoying the in-between and staying present vs fast-forwarding to the time in my life when I have everything and everyone I want in my life. When it comes to patience, I am running thin…guess that’s another thing I have to work on.
So on this lovely first Sunday of November, I choose to find alternatives to my cravings. No matter how boring they may be, I need to keep the peace inside of me mentally and emotionally.
