Bah humbug

I am not in a shortage of people who genuinely love me. I really have to remember that.

— Div 🦂 (@Divyaadu) December 25, 2023

The holidays have been sad for me ever since my Dad died. Father’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, even fucking Fourth of July. This year, I’m feeling sadder than usual. Lonelier than usual.

Lonely is a feeling I’ve become way too familiar with these last few years. There are days where it feels like the lonely and the heartbreak can k*ll me. It’s a terrible feeling that drives me into isolation. Isn’t it funny how when I feel lonely, I separate myself? I’ve learned it’s better to self-soothe than to reach out for companionship. Sometimes the pain hurts so much I do reach out, but then I am reminded why it’s better to not do so. It’s hard to ask for help. It’s hard to emotionally open up because I have this fear of my feelings being invalidated or misunderstood.

Being single and far from family during the holidays is the hardest. I’ve spent the last 3 Christmases alone – my first one in Chicago because my sister had Covid, the second one because of a snowstorm and heartbreak that trapped me at home, and this year, for a myriad of reasons.

I initially went into spending Christmas alone this year with a positive mindset. I bought a Christmas tree, planned on wearing cute pjs, was going to wrap presents under the tree for myself and pretend to be surprised, and cook lasagna again because it came out so well on Thanksgiving. Most of that didn’t happen and I’m don’t have a good explanation as to why. I did buy myself presents because I deserve it and I am making a lasagna, but deep down I really wish I wasn’t spending it alone.

I often daydream about when I’ll have my own family for the holidays. We’ll start our own traditions, take family pictures for our holiday cards, and throw something on the grill just because lol. I realize that a lot of the things I want and so deeply crave in my life are because my future self has it. I know it’s attainable but literally can’t help but wonder when it’ll happen. I know it will but the when it what always gets me.

One of my favorite creators, Courtnee Futch, talks about love, dating, and romance in such a profound way. I’m always mesmerized by how she talks about it. Her words are a warm hug on the days when I really need one. She recently stitched a TikTok from hers from last year around Christmas and her struggle with loneliness at the time with a new perspective from the present day. I don’t want to ruin the watch for y’all, it’s really good and I encourage y’all to give it a listen. There’s something she says in the video that I hold on to

“The lonely doesn’t last”

@courtneefutch #stitch with @Courtnee Futch ♬ original sound – Courtnee Futch

and no matter how hard the uncomfortable feeling of being sad and lonely gets to me, I have to remind myself of this. There’s love all around me, even on the days when it’s hard for me to see that. There’s love within me that pushes me to keep going. That encourages me to let my emotions and feelings pass through me and not consume me.

So if I need to give myself a few days before being around others or a few hours to reply to a text until I am ready, that’s what I do. I am constantly and relentlessly doing what is best for Jade because no one is coming to save me. No one is going to love and stick up for me as much as I can, so I just have to keep going.

I spent another Christmas alone and I survived. That in itself is a Christmas miracle. The lonely doesn’t last and this isn’t forever…it’s just for now. When I’m shaking my ass on a beach in an itty bitty bikini next Christmas or 4 Christmases from now, I’ll look back on this time and will be so happy that I continued to push forward and see what the future holds for me. Until then, I just continue to share my story with you guys.

Happy Holidays, y’all xoxo