I have contemplated writing this piece for over 3 years. Three years of going back and forth on how to address my absence. How to talk about the grief that sits on top of my heart; the sadness that has now become a part of my being and has influenced change in all areas of my life. I can not talk about who I am today and where I’ve been without discussing this.
If you were to ask me a few years ago if I considered myself to be a perfectionist, I probably would’ve denied it but now, I embrace it.
I am the type of person who starts a new hobby and immediately wants to be amazing at it. The person who loves to pay attention to detail and aesthetics. I start new projects and abandon them for another and the cycle continues. It’s how we got here today. It’s 1:26 am on a Saturday in June and I got the urge to write this post to announce my return to the blogging world. It is a moment that I’ve thought of for a few weeks now, which surprised me because a year ago, I didn’t think I’d be here typing away, adjusting widgets on a custom WordPress theme because like I said, detail and aesthetics matter to me. I wanted my return to be as “Jade Carson” as possible and that meant pulling out all of the stops.
This is the first post on a brand-new domain (Rest in Power to the OG, www.lovejadecarson.com). Same blog with a new vibe. One that’s blunt, candid, and quite fucking hilarious if you ask me. I’m entering a new era as a writer and I can’t wait for you all to join me on this journey.
Let’s address the elephant in the room. 3 years ago, my Dad died unexpectedly and completely shattered my world. It was a month before the pandemic and I honestly couldn’t tell you what happened in February 2020. I have flashbacks to that point in time and my heart still aches as if it happened yesterday. I walk around with this deeply sad plot line to my life’s story where I don’t have all the answers to the questions that swirl in my mind about what happened during that final, fateful 27 hours of my Dad’s life.
I carried so much guilt inside for not being able to be in NY fast enough from DC. So much guilt for not being able to tell my Dad I loved him, for not calling him back that one Tuesday, to see him one last time and give him a huge hug. I prayed so hard and long and passionately to God to let him live. Grief is the hardest obstacle in my life right now. I’m managing it better than I did during my 1st year and that’s thanks to 3 therapists and 3 years of therapy later.
As crazy as it sounds, I enjoy talking about what grief feels like with those who understand. Especially with those who lost a parent. It’s an indescribable pain to be a part of the “Dead Parent Club”. When I meet a fellow member, it’s like I can identify that particular sadness that they hide so well because I’m hiding mine too. I’ve met people whose membership status was longer than mine (3 years, 4 months) and those with shorter memberships but our hearts still ache the same.
While losing my Dad was one of the worst things to happen to me in recent years, I’ve also experienced a lot of other amazing things:
- I slowed down and became more intentional with what and who I give my time.
- I wrote a post-interview questions thread on Twitter that went viral and led to me publishing my 3rd e-book.
- I graduated from Howard University on time and had a semi-normal, N95 mask-wearing, in-person commencement.
- I worked 2 really cool internships and went viral on Tik Tok which led to me getting a full-time offer at freaking TIK TOK.
- I moved to Chicago and started a new life here filled with making new friends, exploring the city, and 8 am Pilates classes.
- I started a new business, The Ninth Semester, and really tapped into my influencer abilities and managed to make 5 figures from my living room all while helping Gen Z get hired.
Just to name a few…
Ironically, I ended up quitting my job at Tik Tok and spent the first 4 months of 2023, betting on myself, pouring back into me, and even fucked around and manifested a new job that was made just for me, working in a new career field that I really enjoy. These past 3 years I’ve had many lows but some HIGH highs and I just have to thank God. Lately, I find myself getting so emotional about how much I overcame to be where I’m at today. I think of the person I was 6 months ago, a year ago, 3 years ago – she would be so happy to know that life got better and continues to get better.
I’m in a season where I just want to write. To talk. To share the inner workings of my mind. I’m over being caught up on aesthetics or perfection. I am my own aesthetic, this is my life. I’ve been content-creating since 2013. 10 years of me oversharing on the internet in the form of cringe fan fiction, 101 different, niche-specific blogs, and a brief stint on YouTube. My journal gets all of the juicy tidbits of my life and so does my Instagram Close Friends story but I want to do more. And it’s why I’m back blogging. I have a lot to say, too. I pinky promise not to abandon yet another project…let’s see where how life goes.
