it’s getting real strict over here lol. im a grown woman and i love myself too much to deal w anything sucka
— NIYA (@theniyalachaun) September 3, 2023
I delete my dating apps at least once a month. I get on, I get disappointed at the creatures who cross my feed and then delete my account. I vow to never return and text the girls that I’m done… But then I see a TikTok of a cute couple who claims they met on one of the many infamous apps and somehow convince myself to give them another try. What’s that one saying about insanity?
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”
That’s me. Dating makes me insane. Having a crush is honestly one of the most distracting things to happen to me. I feel like I lose a few brain cells when I start dating a new guy, not because he’s manipulating my mind but because somehow those endorphins morph my brain and I became a dummy for a few weeks.
I hate roster dating. It’s unrealistic and all of y’all are lying about it being fun. I don’t care what anyone says. There’s no way you have a roster of worthwhile people in your rotation. You have to be sacrificing your standards somewhere. Also, how do y’all even have enough time to entertain all of those people? Are you not busy with work? Hobbies? Hanging out with your friends? I can’t even fathom regularly talking and dating more than 3 people at a time. 3 is already a lot.
When I’m not dating, I’m literally on my boss bitch shit.
Single me does not play around. She be getting shit all the way the fuck done. I’m really at the point where dating scares me and I love and hate that. The lover girl is fighting to be seen but my practical side is calculating the numbers and outcomes and not approving it. I met 2 of the worst niggas ever in the time span of 6 months of each other. My idea of romance in this generation has been significantly scarred. I am fully aware that this is a dramatic statement from someone who’s only 23 but I’m genuinely angry at the fact that I’m craving and wanting a “boyfriend” right now.
I don’t know where these feelings of want came from, they left for a little bit and now that they’re back it’s annoying because I can not take another talking stage. I put quotation marks around boyfriend because as much as I want one, I do not know if I want to make time for one. I love my routine and the balance between my personal life, professional life, and making time for my friends and loved ones. If I were to let someone into my life right now, I would want to know upfront the value of the offer. if you’re going to waste my time and play me, just let me know so I can stay clear away and not let you disturb my peace.
Are we getting married or what??? I have 0 prospects and all a bitch wants is a hug and a little smoochie.
When I was in high school, I had boyfriends* left, right, and fucking center.
(For all intents and purposes, any guy I’ve dated for more than 4 weeks is considered a boyfriend in my eyes but honestly, I only consider 2 as “serious boyfriends” – my first boyfriend of 6 months and my other one of 2 years.)
It was actually kinda crazy, I can think about 5-6 right now.
Wait, I actually did the math. It was 9 boyfriends.
I paused writing this post to send my best friends the following messages in the #groupchat:
To which one replied
I even wrote down their names when writing up this post but I know better than to reveal who they are to the the masses. Fun fact: 2 of them share a name and have ruined said name for me for the rest of my life. Ironically, out of the 9, I’ve only heard from 3 in the last 3 years.
One of them was my serious HS boyfriend of 2 years and the other 2 were the name sharers – one who became a hotep Muhammad Ali and reached out via IG DMs with a “grand rising” message in 2020 because 5 years later, he felt incredibly remorseful about how he treated me when we were 15. The other one was someone who still managed to pine over me 10 years later and was convinced that I’d give him another shot. He blocked me after I told him I wasn’t interested. Balance was restored in the world again.
My high school friend group at the time often joked about our love lives being like Wattpad stories. It was hilarious because it was true for me. I was your local Y/N in your favorite Wattpad short story, turning my nightly story times into a reality.
At least once a month, my mother asks me about my ex-boyfriend from high school. The one she “really liked” and “didn’t understand what happened between us”. The one whose heart I broke and I recently found out he told people that he dumped me because I was becoming too “clingy” or some shit. The truth was we couldn’t stop arguing about the dumbest things. I laughed out loud writing this because it seemed very on-brand of him to lie like this.
Our relationship came to a demise when I went away to college. I fucking hated having a boyfriend. I know that sounds so crazy to hear considering this post is about me wanting a boyfriend but it’s the truth. I was starting a new life in a new city and I felt myself growing apart from him. I don’t know why I didn’t break up with him. The thought simply didn’t cross my mind, even after hours of arguing about literal nonsense.
I think it’s because he was also my best friend. I loved talking to him. Did I love him? I thought I did but I was literally 18. What could I have possibly known about love? I knew I loved writing. I loved Nacho Cheese Doritos. I loved my HBCU. I loved my new friends. I wasn’t in love with some Guyanese boy from Brooklyn.
In college, I had a couple of boo thangs but it didn’t have the same youthful innocence as my teen years. We were fighting our lives, growing into ourselves, and inching closer and closer to becoming young adults in the real world. My high school boyfriends left the typical amount of young heartbreak and emotional scars but my college boyfriends could give them a run for their money.
The first guy I dated after my last HS boyfriend is suddenly now Afro-Latino and also a hotep? (What the hell is that about? He must’ve recently gotten some 23andme results or something)
He was the first bum I actually dated but I was too naive to see it. All I cared about was him being completely opposite from my ex. He was older, funny asl, and a creative. He was also fucking crazy and my first exposure to the fact that niggas ain’t shit. Those 3 months with him changed me. It opened my eyes to the reality of the dating world and I realized I needed to take off the rose-colored glasses and never let that shit happen to me again.
There are only 2 college boyfriends of mine who managed to not emotionally scar me. They’re actually small examples that are present in my life that show me that not ALL men are trash. They know who they are and funny enough as the Venus Retrograde predicted, I reunited with 2 of them this Summer.
When it comes to my love life, I feel like it was easier when I was younger. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in my 20s and I often try to imagine what that would be like. I am not the same girl I was when I was 15 or 19, or when I was newly 23 back in September 2022.
Some days I’m perfectly okay with being single and other days, I’m annoyed. It seems like everyone around me has someone and I question why I don’t. I recently had a revelation about the type of guys I was entertaining. Desperation for something can really lead you into dating anything. I am disgusted with the men I’ve wasted my time on this year alone. Having self-respect, boundaries, and higher standards means my roster is in the negatives. I go on 0 dates and there are no late-night phone calls.
I’ve “given up” on dating a comical amount of times but now, I’m starting to become content with it. I go to sleep peacefully at night knowing someone’s ashy son isn’t out cheating on me, lying to me, or wasting my time. I have a great job and amazing friends. I get money, my body tea, super thick, super pretty – life’s great! TBH, I only really want a boyfriend at night or on Sundays. During the day, I’m chilling.
I’m learning to love this season of singleness. I have my whole life to be someone’s girlfriend, fiancée, mom. There’s going to be a time in my life when I’m going to reminisce and wish I was in my 20s again. Daydreaming about living alone, betting on myself, and chasing my goals, Saturdays spent playing Sims 4, or a boozy brunch with my friends. I’ll think back and laugh at the memories of the guys I gave my time to and how all of that led to meeting my 6’3, dark-skin, six-figure, funny-as-hell husband.
I’ve been off the streets and on the sidewalk for a few months now. Yes, I currently have Hinge on my phone but I’ve become so desensitized to the daily jumpscares whenever I open my app. I know in my gut that I’m not going to meet my person on a dating website. That security alone is a reminder to myself to spend my time pouring into Jade. Showing up for Jade, spoiling Jade, and growing more into who I’m meant to be.
Love is the neighborhood. I’m watching her knock on every door on the block, but this time I’m in no rush to let her in. When the time is right and everything is perfectly aligned, I know I’ll hear her calling for me. Until then, I’m just going to love on me.
